Death by Plot Holes
by FlyingFishiesandLongForgo
Summary: This is, very simply, a strange, weird story of what happens when Tolkien-verse becomes fan-verse. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll wonder why it’s been done so many times before.(does contain 2 Buffy, 4 POTC characters shortly)
1. The Beginning

Death By Plot Holes: The Beginning  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own any of these characters, with the exception of Cathie and the Mary-Sue's, although it's not like we created Mary-Sue's, either. We are not the Mary-Sue's; we simply mock them.  
  
Warning: There is some implied slash, or is it? Many Horn of Gondor references, so if you are disgusted by old forms of communication, be weary.  
  
Rating: PG13  
  
Pairings: Well if we told you, that wouldn't be very much fun, would it?  
  
Chapter 1: The Beginning  
  
Cathie had been travelling across Canada, looking for the perfect small town to study for her doctorate dissertation. Finally she had found it, in little, remote McBride. On her first day there, she walked into the library. It was clearly in need of renovation. An unbelievably beautiful librarian glided over to her, holding books in several different languages. "Mae govannen" she said, or sang, Cathie couldn't tell. "I'm Mary-Sue." Just then, for no apparent reason, Legolas walked in.  
"Mary-Sue!" He proclaimed "at last I have found you, after searching all of middle earth and several dimensions for you, including one where I got my ass kicked by some girl named Buffy, who said I was too tall to be an elf." Cathie decided that was her cue to leave.  
  
Legolas and Mary-Sue embraced. Mary-Sue was very happy, until Aragorn walked into the door. "Legolas! You have been tricked! I have been cursed by a demon-woman named Anya who tricked dear Eowyn into taking revenge over me by having the person I love most-friend or lover- fall in love with someone else and abandon me."  
Eowyn ran into the library. "Oh Aragorn, I am so very sorry for the trouble I caused," she said, "I really thought I loved you, but it was simply your manliness. But I have fallen in love with Faramir. So the curse is released."  
"GET OFF ME YOU ANNOYING LITTLE BRAT" said Legolas to Mary-Sue.  
Mary-Sue whimpered away, but not before saying, "I will be back for one of you, just you wait! It could be Boromir, it could be Frodo, or it could even be...Arwen! But probably Legolas."  
Arwen ran into the library. "Oh Aragorn, I thought...I thought...what are you doing to me? Now I shall have to marry Figwit!" Arwen collapsed into a heap.  
Legolas and Aragorn where embracing. Eowyn gave Arwen Cosmo to read. It seemed to calm her down.  
  
So anyway Cathie (yeah, remember her) was walking down the street, past a doctor's office, when a large man walked straight into her. "Oof" he said, wincing, as she stepped back. "Are you a witch?"  
  
"Not that I know of," replied Cathie, wondering if she had gone completely insane. Then she realized she wasn't the one going on about witches. "And if I were it would hardly be any business of yours whoever you are."  
  
Of course, right after she said this she remembered what a bad idea it is to antagonize crazy people.  
  
"I am Boromir of Gondor" he said, and while he looked the part, Horn of Gondor and all, she knew very well that Boromir dies, because everybody knows Boromir dies.  
Cathie thought for a second. "So, Mr Boromir, would you like to get some coffee?" Boromir nodded, so they went to the café. They had very pleasant conversation, and suddenly Cathie said, "So would you like me to finger your horn?"  
Boromir looked confused, and then handed Cathie the horn. "You may look at the horn, but what is this of "fingering" it? It is to be blown."  
"No, no, I meant you're OTHER horn" she said, rubbing her foot against his leg.  
Boromir smiled. They went to a motel. Cathie thought to herself, "Lucky guy, he gets to kiss Aragorn...but I doubt lucky for him...might as well give him some. What I do for charity".  
  
*Insert overly detailed descriptions of anatomy and general smuttiness* Afterwards Cathie looked over at Boromir, and at the scars on his chest and, biting her lip, asked the nagging question. "So, um, how are you not dead without hurting the plot?"  
Boromir looked thoughtful for a moment then replied, "Well, let's put it this way: no matter what you have to say about B.C.'s health care system, it's way better than in the woods in the middle of nowhere. But I think I did die for a moment there, you know, out of body experience, saw a bright light and all that."  
Cathie looked blankly at him.  
  
Boromir decided to explain more fully, in case the young Non- Gondorian did not understand. "Aragorn's kiss woke me up. I thought it was perhaps Galadriel, but no, 'twas Aragorn," said Boromir. "and so I fainted. The waterfall revived me, and Galadriel had seen it all, and had sent her folk to gather me. I then spent many wonderful years hiding in Galadriel's home."  
Cathie thought for a moment, and then said, "Would you like to go the library and be reunited with some of your kin?"  
Boromir nodded.  
  
Meanwhile, in the library, Arwen was calming down. Legolas and Aragorn were talking and holding hands. This made Eowyn want her Faramir very badly, but alas, Faramir had no cell phone. This gave Eowyn and idea that would solve many problems. She would send Legolas and Aragorn to find him-which would mean Arwen would not have to watch any more of Legolas and Aragorn's deep friendship for the moment. It would also allow time for Aragorn and Legolas to HAVE some male bonding time and bring Faramir to Eowyn.  
"Aragorn, Legolas, would you mind finding dear Faramir for me and bringing him here?" said Eowyn.  
Legolas and Aragorn lept at the chance for more, erm, "adventures". 


	2. Finding Faramir

Legolas and Aragorn wasted no time, or very little time, well, ok, they eventually got around to looking for Faramir after various...interludes. Since Legolas had already searched all of Middle Earth looking for Mary- Sue, he knew Faramir wasn't there. Suddenly Aragorn remembered seeing something strange in the Buffy-verse that could help them on there search.  
  
"I don't wanna go back there, I already got my ass kicked once and I couldn't take the embarrassment" Legolas protested. Aragorn however, knew just how to convince him.  
  
So, they went to the Magic Box, where they found Tara and Willow doing something. Eventually Tara noticed them. "You're late, he's back in season 3."  
  
"How do you know of our quest?!" demanded Aragorn.  
  
"Joss Whedon's ideas about magic are inconsistent at best so my abilities change according to what is most convenient to the plot" Tara answered before returning her attentions to Willow.  
  
Aragorn was getting restless. "Tell us how to get to this "season 3" place" he said.  
  
"Oh, well, it can only be done at 3 am, seeing it is season 3 you want to go to" said Tara," Joss always likes to add in pointless things he thinks makes sense."  
  
"And what can be done until 3 am?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Oh, I think we can find something to do" said Legolas.  
  
And so, Tara and Willow showed Legolas and Aragorn a spare room in the Buffy household. "Sorry it is only a single bed, but I'm sure you'll make the most of it" said Willow, handing them a clean bedspread, sheet, and towels.  
  
Aragorn and Legolas stared at each other for several seconds, wondering how to spend the extra time they had. Aragorn realized that with so many vicious demons, they should practice sword fighting. The room was small and stuffy, which made it hard to fight without getting sweaty, but Legolas and Aragorn realized their swordsmen skills were worth taking the time for a hot, steamy shower.  
  
Willow and Tara turned their music up as they studied the magic spell of how to go back in time. It was hot, slow magic that caused fireworks and stars all around them-magic that could only be created by a deep connection. The spell was a complicated one requiring exotic herbs and oils that had to be combined in delicate ways.  
  
At 2:30 am, Willow and Tara had to let freshly-washed Aragorn and Legolas into their magic session, as they prepared to go to season 3 to find Faramir. The spell ended, and they all found themselves in season 3. "Welcome to Sunnydale High" said Willow.  
  
"Umm Willow, shouldn't you hide so no one recognizes you, especially yourself." Tara said, concerned. Willow had already thought of that and had put on a t-shirt that read "I am not Willow Rosenberg, you do not recognize me, especially you Willow." Willow then passed out similar t-shirts to Aragorn and Legolas ("I am not from an alternate universe, and certainly look like an average American high school student") and Tara ("Just for Oz, I do not smell of Willow, for everyone else, you will not recognize me in season 4").  
  
"Where did you get these and how do they work?" asked Legolas, perplexed at how t-shirts were supposed to keep them from getting noticed.  
  
"And wouldn't it be more believable to say I'm a substitute teacher?" added Aragorn.  
  
"Inconsistent magic" Willow and Tara answered together. "We should probably check the library first" added Willow.  
  
Sure enough they found Faramir in the library surrounded by the Scooby gang.  
  
"I'll bet he works for the Mayor" said Faith, though she was a little preoccupied with figuring out whether she was currently evil or not.  
  
"Mayor, what Mayor? Of the Shire?" said Faramir, who at this point was utterly confused.  
  
"No, this is Sunnydale," said Xander, with his usual sarcasm. "Hey, I think I found someone more useless then me."  
  
"Somehow I seriously doubt that" said Angel, who was preoccupied with whether or not he was dating Buffy. Oz raised an eyebrow, and everyone jumped at the sudden movement.  
  
"Yeah, go easy on him, he's just confused" said season 3 Willow sympathetically. "Besides you're not useless Xander, you provide comic relief and make everyone else's abilities look all the more impressive with your bumbling."  
  
"Gordon, there you are!" shouted Aragorn to Faramir, hoping he would get the hint "You trickster! You know we have a performance in an hour, and our call was for an hour ago!"  
  
"Don't try to trick us, we know this Faramir, who has come out of a reverse Mary-Sue, and we know you are two average American high school students and two future Mary-Sues, trying to get him back," said Angel. "We know because it was Willow who took all the Faramir's out of all the fanfics."  
  
"I read Peter Jackson's LOTR script on the web, and I thought that Éowyn deserved better" said Willow.  
  
"Oh crap. This, this can't be happening" said Tara, who grabbed Faramir, "RUN!"  
  
Legolas, Faramir and Aragorn followed Willow 6 to the season 3 time-hole. Tara did a memory draught on the season 3 cast and ran as fast she could back to the time-hole. She managed to jump in right before it collapsed. Willow and Tara were exhausted from all that magic and kissed. Legolas and Aragorn were so amazed at what had happened all they could do was look in each others' eyes. "Um, I don't mean to disturb you, but I would really like to get back to Éowyn" said Faramir.  
  
"Oh, oh, can I come too, please?" said Willow.  
  
"Yah, sure, we just all have to travel through the dimensions and get to that little B.C. town" said Legolas, "Maybe your magic can make it go faster".  
  
So Tara and Willow made some magic, and they were back in the library, where Faramir quickly embraced Éowyn. "Oh sure, just go for Mr. Pathetic" said Willow under her breath.  
  
"I heard that!" Éowyn said, clearly very offended, "and this is book Faramir, did you really think I'd get all gooshy over that neurotic guy from the movie. I slew the Witch King of Angmar!" Faramir would have added, but he was getting a little distracted watching Éowyn getting all worked up.  
  
"Oh, sorry," peeped Willow. "You know how crossovers can get confusing," added Tara, and everyone agreed, that yes, this was all very confusing. As if to prove her point, Cathie and Boromir walked in.  
  
"But Boromir dies!" yelled everyone except Cathie and Boromir. Cathie started laughing. Boromir was just glad to see Faramir happy, though Faramir seemed to be debating whether to embrace his brother, or sweep Éowyn into a private place while she still had her blood boiling. Finally, he chose his brother, because he figured Éowyn's temper would go off more often then his brother would come back from the dead. Then there was a big emotional scene that no one really needs to hear about.  
  
Boromir looked at Arwen, who was moping again and then over at Aragorn and Legolas, who were slashing again. "Arwen, if you're not marrying Aragorn, why don't you go to Valinor to be with your family?" Everyone looked at Boromir, and wondered why he was the one to figure this out. They turned to Arwen, but only to see her zoom out the door.  
  
"Well, I guess that solves that problem, so, isn't it time for some kooky adventures," said Willow, and everyone agreed, especially Aragorn who had thought she said "kinky adventures". 


	3. The Golden Pineapple Chronicles

Disclaimer: We still do not own any of the pre-existing characters. They belong to the creative genius of Tolkien, and the creative minds of the people who created the other characters. Cathie is our own creation.  
  
The Golden Pineapple Chronicles  
  
"But everything seems to be solved" said Eowyn, "Boromir has Cathie and..." Eowyn stopped. There was a strange sound from behind the "Travel and Leisure" section. Mary-Sue stepped out from behind the bookcase with a large volume called "Tourist Treasures in Newfoundland" and had it poised to hit someone.  
"If I hit you," said Mary-Sue, "you'll die and I'll get...OOF.". Eowyn punched Mary-Sue and dragged her out of the library. As she was closing the door, she saw four cute, curly-haired guys walking down the street.  
"Frodo! Sam! Pippin! Merry!" said Eowyn, "What are you doing here? Come into the library. How did you get to human-size?"  
"A wizard did it" said Frodo, as the four human-sized hobbits walked into the library, "Radagast The Brown to be exact."  
"So you're book cannon?" asked Willow"  
"Oh, begging your pardon Miss, we're movie cannon" said Sam, "but they seem to have merged a little. Now, I don't mean to be rude, but is there anywhere we can sleep for a while? We've been traveling for a long while."  
"I have a motel room, but I doubt it is big enough for all of us..." said Cathie. Conveniently, Mary-Sue walked into the library. "I'm going to see some Pirates in the Caribbean. There's a two-story apartment plus attic on top of the library, and a laundry room and guestrooms in the basement. All you have to do is run the library".  
So, the gang moved into the house. Frodo and Sam took the attic room; Eowyn and Faramir the master bedroom; Legolas and Aragorn the guestroom; Tara and Willow the large kids room; Boromir and Cathie the spare room, and Pippin and Merry each took the little basement rooms. "Oh, my room is covered in Murder She Wrote posters. She's so dreamy" said Merry.  
"So, now all we have to do is find some sort of job. Work. Adventure. Quest thing to do" said Pippin to cover up the strangeness of Merry's comment.  
  
Suddenly Éomer came in. He was either drunk or angry, and, well, possibly both; any way, he was pissed. "Faramir! How dare you take liberties with my sister! You're not married yet!"  
"But Éomer, I swear I haven't!" said Faramir, who was not liking this turn of events.  
"Yeah, what's with that?" wondered Éowyn impatiently, although she hadn't really meant to say that out loud. "That would not be proper before marriage," Faramir said, astonished by what Éowyn had said.   
"So let's get married then" said Éowyn, "we could elope. We could go to Vegas! We could get married by Elvis!"   
"You really want to get married by an Elvis impersonator?"   
"I love Elvis!!! Just so long as it's not the old, fat Elvis. He was too sweaty".   
Everyone stared at Éowyn. Then realization dawned on all of them.  
  
"Well, since you're going to Vegas, you should find the Golden Pineapple for me, and I'll pay you grandly, 'cause I do that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go be king now." With that, Éomer left.  
  
Everyone nodded as Éomer left.   
Cathie suddenly realized something, "Hey, Aragorn, shouldn't you be being king?"   
"I'm on vacation."   
"Do kings get vacation?"   
Boromir sighed, "honestly Cathie, if you're going to keep trying to make sense of all this, your head is going to explode."   
"He's not joking," said Willow. "That's what happened to the creepy guys in 'Hush'."   
"Death by plot holes," added Tara.  
  
So, since the explanation made quite a bit of sense, everyone decided to start moving into the library's living quarters. By eleven that night, everyone but Willow had unpacked and made their own rooms their own, not that they would spend much time in them just yet. Willow had booked airline tickets to Las Vegas via Vancouver from the Prince George airport for the next day for everyone save herself and Tara, as they planned to stay behind to explore McBride and take care of the library.  
Merry was most excited, as he had heard about flight attendants, but had not yet seen one. Pippin was more fascinated in flying, as were Faramir and Eowyn. Eowyn's excitement was so great that both Faramir and Eowyn decided they needed a brisk walk in the cool spring air to prevent any dishonour from occurring. However, Boromir was more fearful than excited. "Will we have to go on a canoe? I really don't like canoes" said Boromir, understandably, "They bring back bad memories of waterfalls. There aren't any waterfalls, are there?"  
"Oh, no, none of that. Come now, why don't we have nice chamomile tea and go to bed" said Cathie.  
Boromir's face lit up at the prospect of tea and, more specifically, bed. So, Cathie and Boromir went to bed, even though there room only contained two twin-sized beds. The two talked much of the night, as Cathie tried to calm down Boromir and explain to him the strange noises coming from Legolas and Aragorn's room.  
"Really, they are just swordfighting, nothing more," said Cathie, "Well, maybe some pillow fighting and..." Boromir interrupted Cathie.  
"Oh, I know what is going on, it's just...Aragorn kissed me and...well..."  
"You need to prove you're, erm, not into pillow fights?"  
Boromir nodded.  
Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam were rather intrigued by Willow's computers and the "internet", and were busy being shocked by what they saw. "Why, we never...that didn't happen until Rivendell, who would DO that in the middle of a field for everyone to see?" said Sam.  
"I don't know, maybe Canadians are more liberal regarding pipeweed" said Frodo.  
Willow and Tara decided to leave Frodo and Sam to explore the internet. Willow and Tara wanted to explore a new magic book they had found, "300 ways to Redecorate With Magic". And they had a very magical night indeed, although they did scare the already-nervous Boromir when they accidentally gave his room Liza Minelli wallpaper.  
  
The next morning, everybody was packing up to leave, except Willow and Tara, who were making out, and Boromir, who was watching. Cathie walked in and saw what was going on. "Boromir, we have to pack, do I have to start kissing Éowyn to get your attention?!"  
Boromir smiled broadly. "Really, would you?"  
"NO!!" yelled not only Cathie, but also Éowyn. Boromir was very disappointed and started lecturing Cathie on not being a tease. Merry and Pippin, who had run upstairs at the words "kissing Éowyn", heartily agreed that yes, it was not funny to trick people like that.  
After several fights over who would drive, how to properly fold a map, and whether or not there was actually a prince in Prince George, they arrived at the airport, having only forgotten Boromir's toothbrush and Pippin's underwear. They both claimed they did not need said items, but were the only ones who thought so. Cathie picked up a toothbrush and some men's underwear at the Duty Free. Legolas was very excited about the idea of joining the "Mile High Club". He likes clubs. The flight was as uneventful as possible, despite the fact that Legolas and Aragorn spent unusual amounts of time in the bathroom, and Boromir laughed every time Cathie called a male flight attendant "steward". Also, Merry and Pippin kept claiming there were monsters on the wing. And it took eighteen flight attendants to pull Éowyn and Faramir off a man who had slapped Éowyn's butt. Oh, there was also an incident involving Frodo, eight Mary-Sues and a duck. Did I mention Sam and the chimpanzees?  
  
"Welcome to Las Vegas" read a gaudy neon sign. After everyone bought cell phones, Legolas and Aragorn went to check into the hotel. However, on their way they were distracted by an interesting sign, claiming talented singer/actors could make up to $50 an hour.  
Eowyn and Faramir went to prepare for their wedding, helped by Cathie and Boromir.  
Meanwhile, Pippin and Merry went to find "The Golden Pineapple"- the place Eomer wanted found- after many hours of "getting lost" in various casinos. As the two entered the multi-roomed, multi-staged Pineapple, Merry gave a sigh. "Aw, they aren't naked-some of this is legitimate theatre".  
Soon, however, Merry's attentions were drawn to a tall, slim, blond bombshell in the "Queen's Court" room who was singing "Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend". The bombshell finished her act and sat down. Merry was soon sending her drinks. Finally, when the bombshell seemed just drunk enough, Merry walked over. "Want to get some coffee for that hangover?" he said.  
"What hangover?" said the bombshell.  
"The one you're gonna have in the morning, babe".  
"How about we get coffee now?" said the bombshell,  
Merry realized that may be as far as he would get that night, so he took the bombshell to the café next door. The two talked for a while, and as Merry leaned over to kiss the bombshell, Aragorn burst into the café. "Legolas! There you are! What happen...Merry, why are you almost kissing Legolas?"  
Pippin ran in, laughing his head off. "Merry! I can't believe you didn't realize it was Legolas! The name of the room didn't warn you? The Queen's court? Oh, Merry, no, I'm sorry..." finished Pippin, as a very red Merry ran out of the café. Pippin ran after him.  
"Legolas, how could you? Going out with Merry! I didn't know you had feelings for him!" said Aragorn.  
"I do not have feelings for Merry. I simply wanted to teach him a lesson. His womanizing is disgustingly annoying"  
Aragorn smiled, helped Legolas up, and took him their hotel room to sleep off the hangover-but not before hearing a private performance of "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend".  
  
Meanwhile...in the quietest place they could find, Denny's™, Éowyn, Faramir, Cathie, and Boromir went about making the wedding plans.  
  
"What kind of dress code should we have for the wedding?" asked Faramir.   
Cathie sighed, "You're eloping in Vegas--"   
"Cathie's right, it should be leather pants and the like" said Éowyn excitedly.   
"Umm, what I meant was—   
"Good idea! Now, have you picked an Elvis yet?" interrupted Boromir.   
"Yes of course, and should we get drunk first? I hear that's tradition in Las Vegas," piped in Faramir, who wanted to respect local customs. After all, if they were going to have a cheesy Vegas wedding, they ought to do it properly.  
  
Thus after several hours of discussion on if elvish should be used during the ceremony, how many horses were in Éowyn's dowry, and whether or not Faramir would look good in a grass skirt, everything was ready for the big event, and Cathie had a large headache from banging her head against the table. They made their way to the chapel. It didn't take long, as it was in the Denny's™ parking lot.   
Everybody was there, including Éomer, who seemed to be able to show up at will for some reason. Everyone there, except Éowyn and Faramir, was distracted by the sight of Legolas in leather pants. Legolas didn't mind; quite the contrary, he thought himself a work of art that should be admired. Aragorn agreed; however, he did mind, though wasn't sure what to do, short of asking Legolas to put on a grass skirt over the pants. But, after all, why should he have to suffer because others couldn't keep their eyes in their head?   
As had been planned, the bride and groom were completely wasted. Fortunately, Faramir had been talked out of the grass skirt, but the kilt wasn't much of an improvement. Éowyn's dress consisted of, well, not much. The ceremony was thankfully swift, and afterwards, everyone was to join the bride and groom in getting completely plastered.   
All and all, it was a beautiful wedding. The best part was: they got to do it all again the next day, as nobody remembered anything, in some cases going back for weeks. Rohan ale is Very Strong!!!  
  
Everyone had been drunk at the weddings (hence, "weddings"), and Merry was no exception. In fact, he had probably been the drunkest of them all. The next day, he was still reeling from almost kissing Legolas. And, after seeing Legolas in leather pants, it had been made very clear to Merry that Legolas was no girl, and it was very hard to mistake him for one.  
And so, by the late afternoon, Pippin was starting to get worried. Merry had locked himself in the bathroom with the full contents of the mini- bar, and was now singing show-tunes. After Merry's fifth rendition of "Old Man River", Pippin had to do something. He burst into the bathroom, and saw Merry sprawled in the hot tub, fully dressed, candy wrappers and little bottles of liquor floating around him. Pippin knew what he had to do. "Come on Merry, we're going down to the casino, and you're picking up some girls. Clean up, get money, let's go".  
Merry wearily agreed.  
Once they made it down to the casino, however, they ran smack into Boromir, Cathie, Legolas and Aragorn. Merry wanted to run, but Legolas grabbed his arm. "Merry, I really must apologise, I did not mean for the stunt to go as far as it did. I decided to do it after the dress rehearsal- Aragorn had no idea it was to happen," said Legolas, "The fact that it was so hard to tell, once you where drunk, whether I was a man or woman, was a wardrobe malfunction".  
"Okay, yah, you're forgiven" mumbled Merry as he saw a pretty girl at the Black Jack table and decided to "help" her "win".  
"So, where are Faramir and Eowyn?" asked Pippin.  
"In the Honeymoon suite, where else?" replied Cathie.  
Legolas and Aragorn giggled, which was rare, and they both mumbled something about their own suite and swordfighting as they ran to the elevators.  
  
Meanwhile, back in McBride, Willow said to Tara, "Look! We can watch the goings-on of Legolas and Merry and the rest!"  
"When did we get a magic crystal viewing ball?" asked Tara.  
"We didn't. I've tapped into the security cams at the hotel/casino- and the Chapel and Pineapple have webcams!" replied Willow."  
"Wow, Legolas in a dress is almost sexy!" said Tara.  
"I'll almost sexy you" giggled Willow. 


	4. Mary Sue and the Plot Device of DOOM

Everyone except Éowyn and Faramir were preparing to leave. No one really minded leaving them behind, as they were acting like newlyweds, and, honestly, it was kind of disturbing. Again, for no apparent reason, someone walked in, and was carrying Gimli. The person was clearly an elf, but was very androgynous, even for an elf, and no one recognized it. Gimli was not happy with this arrangement. "Put me down you #*^$@%& elf!!!!"  
  
"Who are you?!" demanded Aragorn.  
  
"Well, I'm not really sure," said the elf as it put Gimli down. "I think I'm supposed to be Glorfindle, but since this story can't really decide whether it's based on the book or the movie, I'm sort of a mix between Glorfindle and Arwen. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that you must destroy Mary-Sue because..." Glorarwen paused, "just destroy her. She bugs me. Also, next time you dimension hop, don't forget to take your dwarf."  
  
"Sure, ok," said Legolas  
  
"@#%&*$@ crazy elves," muttered Gimli.  
  
"Now, I'm leaving so I can go back to being two separate characters," and with that Glorarwen left, cursing the names of the authors.  
  
"So, gang, we have to contact Tara and Willow and find out where Mary-Sue is-they can probably track her" said Cathie  
  
"I could use my Horn of Gondor to beckon them. McBride must be within hearing distance of my powerful horn" said Boromir.  
  
"We'll use the phone, Boromir dear, and leave the horn for better uses" giggled Cathie as she led everyone up to their room.  
  
After a $20 long-distance call to Willow that left even even-tempered Legolas cursing hotel phone charges, they found out that Mary-Sue had already left for the Caribbean and in fact was already in the POTCverse Caribbean. So, Cathie booked herself, Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Frodo and Gimli on a flight to the Caribbean.  
  
They packed up, left a message explaining their plans to Faramir and Eowyn, and hopped on the plane.  
  
The trip was less eventful than the last one, as Frodo and Sam avoided fangirls and chimpanzees by wearing Fred Durst inspired outfits, and Aragorn and Legolas were content watching the in-flight movie, "Deep Impact". However, Gimli had to be given a sedative so he would stop cursing about the high elevation, and Merry hit on the flight attendants, and was then asked to be quiet or have a harassment suit on his hands. Merry first thought they said something regarding a flight attendant's rear end in a suit, which excited him, until Cathie explained what a harassment suit was.  
  
Once they got to the Caribbean, they did as Tara and Willow instructed and ended up in the POTCverse.  
  
Back the hotel, Eomer was upset at being left behind. So, he went to Golden Pineapple, met up with Glorarwen who felt somewhat at ease in the crossdressing atmosphere, and both of them cursed the authors and got very, very drunk.  
  
In the POTC universe, Legolas was getting nervous, due to the large number of Orlando Bloom fangirls. Aragorn was trying his best to calm him down. "I wouldn't worry Legolas; Mary-Sue seems to be using some evil that prevents them from coming near us." However, being reminded of Mary-Sue didn't help matters much.  
  
"Someone needs to find her, but who can avoid being ensnared by her witchcraft?" noted Boromir.  
  
Cathie raised her hand, "well, she won't go after me, because I'm a woman, not to mention I'm from an email story, not a movie or classic novel, and Gimli can come with me, because, well, sorry but..."  
  
"I know, I know," sighed Gimli, "I don't get any action." So Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir and the overgrown hobbits tried to disguise themselves while Cathie and Gimli went about looking for Mary-Sue. They found her, looking very helpless, while Will Turner was trying to rescue her while doing various sexy poses and not wearing a shirt. Captain Jack Sparrow meanwhile, was praising Mary-Sue's beauty and being generally useless. Then Cathie noticed something in Mary-Sue's hand. She tapped Gimli on the shoulder and pointed it out.  
  
"What is that?" she whispered, "it looks like some sort of computer."  
  
Gimli's eyes widened, "it's a Plot Device!!"  
  
Cathie and Gimli went back to report to their companions, who had made themselves resemble ugly pirates as well as they could. Legolas was trying very hard to get his hair to stop shining. Gimli looked at them dismayed, "She has an object of great evil, it will be very hard to get to her."  
  
"It's not another ring is it, because I am sick and tired of rings." Said Frodo understandably, and everyone agreed.  
  
"No lad, it's a..." Gimli swallowed, "...Plot Device."  
  
"No, Not a plot device!!" yelled everyone except Cathie, who didn't know what was going on. Boromir noticed Cathie's confusion.  
  
"A Plot Device is a great evil used by fangirls to make characters fall in love with them, to make less attractive characters conveniently disappear, and to make themselves perfect." Boromir sighed, "None of us can defeat her while she has it, for she can use it to change the personalities and abilities of herself and any fictitious character, and sometimes people from her high school."  
  
The group decided that, for the time being, the best thing to do was hide in a boarding house. Conveniently there was one right behind them, so they went in. Surprisingly, the clerk knew they would be coming. "We received a letter from Tara and Willow, saying you would be coming. They also sent a letter for you".  
  
Cathie snatched the letter and opened it; there were several hundred dollars of the local currency, and a note. "Tara and Willow say that they are looking for a way to disable the Plot Device. Plus, we can contact them by sending mail to the magic address on the envelope", Cathie read, ignoring the obvious question on how Tara and Willow already knew about the Plot Device.  
  
Then Merry said, "How are we going to get food? If I can't get girls, I want food"  
  
Cathie realized that the human-sized tweenager hobbits had huge appetites. So she went to what the clerk said was the best market in town, dragging Gimli behind her, as she would need someone to help her carry all that food. Once they got there, a tall, thin, tight-lipped, uptight man came up to Gimli. "Hello. My name is Commodore Norrington. I have decided to start a show called the 'Barnum and Bailey Circus', and you would make a wonderful Freaky Bearded Child," said Commodore Norrington.  
  
Cathie giggled, but then Gimli surprisingly agreed. Cathie realized something was wrong. Gimli had a lot of pride and Barnum and Bailey wasn't until the late 1800's. By the time she finished thinking that, though, Gimli and Norrington were gone. So, she ran back to the boarding house. "Boromir, what did you say the Plot Device does?"  
  
Feeling important, Boromir replied, "It makes men fall in love with little tarts; it makes the less attractive characters go away..."  
  
Cathie interrupted him. "Yes, well, Commodore Norrington just signed Gimli up to a circus that does not exist for another hundred years! I think they are going away!"  
  
"Gimli? In a circus? Never! Aragorn, get my bow. I shall not allow anyone to insult my dwarf... friend. Friend!" said Legolas, seeing Aragorn's crestfallen expression.  
  
"No! Remember Mary-Sue! We will have to let him go for now" said Cathie.  
  
"Yes, but where is all food?" said a very hungry Merry.  
  
"The food went with Gimli" said Cathie guiltily  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" yelled the hobbits.  
  
"Well, we should contact Tara and Willow, so they can figure out how to undo the effects of Plot Devices." Sam suggested, because he hadn't said anything in a while. So they used the magic address to tell Tara and Willow what had happened to Gimli.  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas was trying to talk Aragorn out of a jealous fit. "You know I love you, I'm movie Legolas!! I would never go for a dwarf!! Come on, how about we go out pillaging, we are dressed for it after all." Aragorn agreed, though he was still a bit upset, but thought shiny things might make him feel better.  
  
"How useful is Willow, if she couldn't tell the difference between book and movie Faramir," Boromir wondered out loud. "I mean, their hair is different colours."  
  
"Maybe she never read the books," said Cathie. "But since she managed to take Faramir out of all the fanfics, I would assume she knows a thing or two about fanfiction."  
  
Boromir sighed, "I guess you're right. But I'm worried what will happen to me if this Mary Sue doesn't like me, I'm not the most popular character. I mean, Gimli wound up in a circus, and that was just for being less attractive..." He was interrupted by Frodo and Sam suddenly laughing.  
  
"Sorry," said Frodo sheepishly, "I guess I'm still a little peeved about you trying to tackle me."  
  
"It's understandable," said Boromir guiltily. Though he was getting a little uncomfortable with the way Sam was glaring at him.  
  
"I think we should get back to what's important, and that's getting the food back," said Pippin.  
  
"No, the most important thing, Pippin, is coming up with pirate names, "said Merry, frustrated.  
  
"No, food is far more important then pirate names."  
  
"No, I believe you're mistaken."  
  
Cathie started banging her head against the wall.  
  
"I think it's safe to say that they're going to be useless for a while," sighed Frodo.  
  
"Food!!"  
  
"Pirate names!!"  
  
"Food!!"  
  
"Pirate names!!"  
  
And so everyone who wasn't arguing started discussing how to approach Mary Sue and get the plot device away from her.  
  
Finally Cathie had enough. "Shut up! Merry, Pippin, go to the market, buy food. Avoid everyone. Don't get distracted. Here's $100 of whatever currency this is; be back in an hour!"  
  
Merry and Pippin left for the market. Aragorn and Legolas (who had been distracted from going scavenging by a make-up 'tussle' and Pippin and Merry's antics) joined the anti-Mary-Sue discussion. Boromir was talking. "I could take the Plot Device. I could do much good with it ..." Boromir was interrupted by Frodo.  
  
"No, Boromir, not even Sam or I could be trusted with the PD. Our imaginations would run amuck" said Frodo.  
  
Legolas spoke. "I have dealt with the most number of these Mary-Sue's- and Harry-Lou's- before. There is but one way to deal with them. Let the story run its course. We may lose Gimli" Legolas glared as Aragorn snickered at this-"and..."  
  
Sam interrupted him. "Look at that man out of the window! He looks just like you, Legolas!"  
  
Legolas looked out the window and momentarily locked eyes with the man who looked like him. Legolas continued. "As I was saying, we may lose Gimli, Boromir, even Norrington, Barbossa and..." Legolas stopped. Something was wrong.  
  
Cathie, who loved 'Pirates of the Caribbean', had a theory. "Mary-Sue wants two of you. She wants ..." Cathie paused to heighten the dramatic tension, "She wants Legolas Turner and Will Greenleaf!"  
  
"Duh duh duhn" said some music out of nowhere.  
  
"Sorry, I leaned on the piano" said a voice from the boarding house parlour.  
  
"NOOOOO!" shouted Aragorn. "This evil has gone on long enough. I shall take my sword and pierce Mary-Sue until she moans" Everyone stared at Aragorn, not sure whether to take the statement at face value or to infer something from it. Aragorn sighed. "From the pain. Of dying. From being stabbed by a steel sword thru the heart."  
  
"No, I would be forced to rescue her. Turner Mary-Sue's like to be rescued" said Legolas, "They never die. You would be guaranteeing my marriage to her."  
  
So, the group sat quietly, wondering what to do next and waiting for either a letter from Tara and Willow or Merry and Pippin with the food. And, as they were all very hungry, they were hoping more for the food.  
  
Suddenly Cathie looked up...  
  
"What is it?" asked Boromir.  
  
"They finally updated my story." Everybody looked at her oddly, and then remembered what it was like to be a work in progress, though none had ever been an email story, as they predated email. "Boromir honey, we need to talk."  
  
Just as Boromir and Cathie were going somewhere private to talk, they got a letter from Willow and Tara. Legolas read it, and then turned a little green. "She's going to get rid of Aragorn next," he said quietly. Everybody looked at him in shock. "Mary Sue doesn't like it when the object of her desire already has a love interest, and it seems she already got rid of Elizabeth." They were distracted by a large thud from Boromir and Cathie's room.  
  
Cathie came running down the stairs, "Boromir fainted!"  
  
Aragorn went to tend to Boromir, since he knew Legolas wasn't going to let him leave the boarding house anytime soon. "What happened?" he asked Cathie.  
  
"Well, I told him I'm pregnant, because that's the new development in my story, and he just conked out. I think the authors are having a competition over who can throw the biggest curveball" sighed Cathie. "Maybe he's worried it's not his, because he's not in that story."  
  
"No," said Aragorn, "you would have to have another lover in this story for that to be the case. He knows that. He's just very afraid of commitment." At that Cathie rolled her eyes and kicked Boromir in the side, which woke him up.  
  
"What? Huh?" groaned Boromir. Then he noticed Aragorn laughing and an angry Cathie, and remembered what happened. He swallowed, "Hi babe."  
  
"Well, honey, would you like to go back to the 21st century, get married, and have your baby in comfort?" Boromir continued, uncharacteristically.  
  
Cathie nodded and said, "I think this may be a Plot Device diversion. Yet, I can't say 'no'. I am sure we will be back here soon. For now, we need to get another neutral character here."  
  
So, they wrote a letter to Willow and Tara and sent it off.  
  
An hour later, Merry and Pippin came in carrying enough poultry, cheese and bread to feed an army, and dozens of carrots, mushrooms, and ears of corn, plus a magic-mail letter from Tara and Willow.  
  
"We are sending backup. He will be there soon. Eowyn and Faramir have agreed to plan your alcohol-free wedding here in McBride. We will help Cathie with getting prenatal care and will have her back in POTC verse ASAP" read Pippin.  
  
Then, there was a knock as at the door. A man with long, silky black hair, sunglasses, and a purple suit walked in. Cathie suppressed laughter. The man spoke. "Hello Mr. Took, Mr Brandybuck, Mr..."  
  
"Who are you and what are doing here?" Aragorn interrupted.  
  
"I am Agent Elrond, and the authors threatened that if I did not come they would have Éomer marry Glorarwen," said Agent Elrond, "Anyways, I can infect the PD. I may be able to save something before Mary-Sue discovers me".  
  
So, Cathie and Boromir, reassured by Agent Elrond, left for the 21st century.  
  
The remaining people started discussing what to do with Agent Elrond. "Personally, I think that separating Legolas and Will would be a first step" said Aragorn. Everyone agreed, as they were sick of hearing Legolas's impersonations of Jack Sparrow.  
  
Elrond put on some of Boromir's pirate gear and ventured out to find Mary- Sue. He was obviously successful, as Legolas soon stopped jabbering about not being a pirate. Agent Elrond came back to the boarding house "The good news is, I've been successful. The bad news is, I have a sudden, unavoidable urge to help Boromir with the wedding. Bye."  
  
And with that, Agent Elrond left.  
  
And then, Merry and Pippin fell ill while eating.  
  
Legolas rushed to look at the food. "This smells like poison" he said, demonstrating that all his Elfish senses were back to full power.  
  
"I guess Mary Sue isn't into hobbits," groaned Pippin  
  
Merry looked at the perfectly healthy Sam and Frodo, and bit his lip, "maybe she's just not into us."  
  
"No," said Frodo, "I think she's just getting rid of every character that's not Legolas, so he'll be easier to, whatever she wants to do to him."  
  
"Well, we can't just not get Merry and Pippin help," said Aragorn, and they promptly set about looking for a doctor. Suddenly a suspiciously beautiful teenaged girl emanating a soothing blue light came up to them.  
  
"I can help them; I conveniently have the antidote with me at all times." She said and then went about miraculously healing the hobbits.  
  
"Really, all times," said Sam, "are you sure you haven't just been packing it since you poisoned them?" The girl was so aghast that she walked away, but not without Merry and Pippin following her like lost puppies. Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, and Legolas tackled them and dragged them back to the boarding house and locked them in their rooms.  
  
"Well," said Sam, "I guess she really is interested in them."  
  
"Maybe not," said Aragorn, "we don't know what her intentions with them are. We have to figure out what she gave them, both times."  
  
"Surely the 'antidote' she gave them was some kind of mind control agent." Legolas sighed, "Luckily those are usually temporary, but it could still last for up to a week." Everybody looked at him strangely. "What?"  
  
"How do you know so much about mind control agents?" asked Frodo.  
  
"I don't really want to talk about it, but I swear I gave it up a long time ago." Legolas said hurriedly.  
  
"Let's not start turning on each other, that's just what she wants." Aragorn intervened. Everyone agreed, and did not inquire into Legolas' apparently checkered past. "I think I should go distract her by jumping up and down and yelling 'I'm a diversion'." He suddenly suggested.  
  
"Umm Aragorn?" said Legolas tentatively.  
  
"And then while she's cooking the omelettes we all jump out from behind the toybox with the noisemakers and—" Aragorn was interrupted when Sam hit him in the head with a frying pan.  
  
"Sorry Strider," muttered Sam, "but it's for your own good."  
  
Legolas carried Aragorn to his room and laid him down. Frodo and Sam wrote a letter to Tara and Willow to explain what had happened, ordered dinner and chicken soup from the boarding house kitchen, got some water from the boarding houses' pump, and then went back to the suite.  
  
Legolas put a wet cloth on Aragorn's head and then went to talk to Frodo and Sam. "We need to do something, and quick. Gimli is gone, Merry and Pippin have been poisoned, and we lost our most important weapon," said Legolas.  
  
"Yes; Cathie knew about this world, and the strange oddities in it" said Frodo.  
  
"Don't you mean Boromir?" interrupted Sam, "I mean, the way you've been acting, it's like he's your best friend now, and not me...oh oh."  
  
"Sam, you ARE my best friend. You always will be!" said Frodo.  
  
"I know. I'm sorry. Mary-Sue is just trying to mess with me" said Sam, "But I can resist it. Anyways, back to Cathie..."  
  
"Well, yes, she's important too. But I meant Aragorn. He is a Ranger, after all" said Legolas, "It's not fair that he has been made illogical. He has always been our standard of fairness, of... oh no. What the...." said Legolas.  
  
Singing was heard from both Merry and Pippin's room. "We all live in a yellow submarine/ a yellow submarine/ a yellow submarine..."  
  
Frodo and Sam crept to the rooms and opened the doors; Legolas stood back, ready to catch any wayward hobbits. However, both Merry and Pippin were busy styling their hair into long mushroom cuts and attempting to sew their pirate outfits into suits.  
  
"I think I saw this in Las Vegas" said Sam, "In the chapel next to the Elvis one. It was called a 'Beatle's Wedding'. The Beatle's were a rock and roll band back in the 1960's from Britain."  
  
Suddenly a dart came through the window and Sam; and Frodo. Sam continued as if nothing happened, "I want my drums so we can go and entertain the world. And then I want to play with little model trains".  
  
Legolas banged his head on the wall. Many times. In tune to the Hobbit's rendition of 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band'.  
  
And then Aragorn woke up. "What's going on?" he said.  
  
Legolas rushed to Aragorn's side, nearly in tears. "Oh, you're all right! Even Frodo and Sam have been hit by Mary-Sue. Here, have some chicken soup..."  
  
"Where are my pink fluffy bunny slippers?" said Aragorn, "Leggy-Lou, where are they? And I want some strawberry gelatine. Can we go to the beach and make sand castles?"  
  
And Legolas screamed. And cried. And fed Aragorn some soup. 


	5. And the Beatlelike Cheese Product Band P...

Disclaimer: We own none of these characters; they belong to the people who own Lord of the Rings along with Tolkein's great mind; and the makers of Pirates of the Caribbean and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Well, we do own Cathie. We created her.  
  
And the (Beatle-like Cheese Product) Band Played On  
  
Legolas realized this was exactly what Frodo said would happen. He was the only one there whose mind was his own. Then he heard it: a woman's voice, calling him. He cringed. He stood, ready to face his fate. If he was going down, he was at least going to go down fighting.   
  
"Legolas?" said the woman, who was not Mary Sue, but actually Tara! Legolas was so relieved he ran up and hugged her. "Umm, hi," said Tara surprised, before she saw that Aragorn was asking where his bunny slippers were, and the hobbits had formed a bad Beatles cover band. "We thought you could use some help, seeing as you don't have Cathie, Boromir, Gimli, Agent Elrond, Faramir and Éowyn. Cathie and Boromir are looking after the library, and Willow is downstairs. We figured out a way to protect ourselves from the effects of the Plot Device, but unfortunately can't reverse the effects of those already affected," she looked over at Aragorn who was trying to grab fistfuls of soup and giggling. "Don't worry though, we're working on it."   
  
"Hey," yelled Willow, excited, "Jack Sparrow is downstairs."  
  
"CAPTIAN Jack Sparrow!" said an easily distinguished voice.   
  
Willow rolled her eyes. "Anyway, since Mary Sue didn't seem to have any use for him after he finished praising her beauty, the effects of the Plot Device wore off. He came to help us."  
  
Nobody asked how he knew about their mission to destroy Mary Sue.  
  
"That's right," said Jack. "Not that I was overly affected by the PD, but since I got a good show of Will's stunts, I thought I'd play along, savvy."  
  
Willow and Jack came upstairs to the suite. Legolas, still having some of Turner's memories, hugged Jack. "Well, you look a bit like a chap I know," said Captain Jack, hugging back enthusiastically, "but he never hugged me like this. Then again, he never had a friend for me either". Jack moved his eyebrows suggestively at Tara.  
  
Legolas sobbed, "The hobbits think they're a band and Gimli's in a circus and Boromir is thoughtfully caring and Elrond is Agent Elrond and Aragorn is... he's..."  
  
"A Canadian loony in a cuckoo house who's run out of rum?" said Captain Jack Sparrow. Everyone ignored Jack and the fact that the Canada was a bunch of colonies and not yet a country in the POTC universe.  
  
"Willow and I will set up our magic in Cathie and Boromir's room so we can begin to figure out how to trump the Plot Device," said Tara.  
  
Tara and Willow set everything up and started their magic. Jack listened to The Hobbit's, and Legolas tended to Aragorn, who was attempting to make Helm's Deep with pillows. But, even Aragorn's ramblings could not stop Legolas from hearing the magic spells and horrible singing. "Captain Jack, I have to go for a walk," he said, "I need an escort".  
  
"To be your escort, I'll even give up talking about rum," said Captain Jack.  
  
Legolas and Jack walked downstairs into the lobby. Standing at the desk was Mary-Sue.  
  
"RUN!" said Captain Jack, grabbing Legolas by the arm and running out the back entrance.  
  
Mary-Sue (and Jack) was magically able to keep up with Legolas. But, that was what Mary-Sue wanted. "Oh Legolas! I love when you run!" she called, "But please, let's stop this aerobic workout (as I don't really need it, my metabolism is perfect) and talk."  
  
Legolas stopped.  
  
"Leggy, we've got to keep running!" said Captain Jack.  
  
But Legolas didn't listen. He turned around to look Mary-Sue in the eyes. She was 5'6", a size 7, with long legs; her hair, a perfect wavy auburn; her eyes, radiant green. And yet, Legolas knew what evil she possessed.  
"I will no longer let you hurt my friends." Legolas said, "What do you want with me?"  
  
Mary Sue was conflicted. It was really hot when Legolas was self- sacrificing, but he was supposed to sacrifice himself for her, not to her. "Are you sure you don't want to save me from the pirate?" she said, pointing at Jack and fiddling with the Plot Device behind her back.  
  
"No, I just told you, I want you to leave him, and everybody else, alone." Legolas said, confused as Jack was not looking very threatening.  
  
Mary Sue bit her lip, and tried the plot device again. Nothing happened. It seemed Tara and Willow had succeeded in protecting him and Jack from the effects of the Plot Device.  
  
Jack and Legolas exchanged a look. "Do you feel like doing anything grossly uncharacteristic?" Legolas asked Jack.  
  
"No, I think my character will be fine the way it is." Jack answered, "In fact, I feel like walking away from this fair lady, and going about my business as I choose to see fit."  
  
Legolas nodded. "I would like to ask her how she intends to undo the damage she caused."  
  
Mary Sue was getting very nervous; this was not supposed to happen. Just then, Will Turner showed up, "I'll protect you from these pirates!" he proclaimed. However, he didn't look very convincing. He still had some of Legolas' memories, and would resist hurting him as well as he could.  
  
"Are you sure she's the one you want to protect?" Jack asked him. "What about Elizabeth?"  
  
Will looked conflicted, and kept looking from Mary Sue to Legolas to Jack. Pippin walked up behind Will with a sitar and started talking to him about how he should give up material things and give peace a chance. Will looked at Mary Sue, "this man is making a lot of sense," he said. "I think I should give up swords and fighting and become an artist." Everybody except Pippin looked at him confused.  
  
"Now do you see the havoc reeked by changing people's characters?" Legolas shouted at Mary Sue, who clearly wasn't expecting this. She didn't answer, but ran, still clutching the Plot Device.  
  
"Shouldn't we go look after your friends who've gone all crazy and stupid?" Jack said to Legolas. "And we should also thank the pretty girls who made us immune".  
  
Legolas nodded, and Jack, Legolas and Pippin began their trek back to the boarding house. Pippin was softly singing "Imagine", with Will, who was following them. Then, Will saw Elizabeth, ran over to her and said, "Let's run away to a place with no borders, with no war, with no army" he said.  
  
"To the colonies called Canada?" said Elizabeth. Will nodded, and they ran off.  
  
Back at the boarding house, Legolas checked on Aragorn, who was wearing a black wig and mumbling, "Give peace a chance!" while The Hobbits sang.  
  
Legolas put his arm around Aragorn's shoulder and led him away from the hobbits, into the room where Tara and Willow were doing magic. "Have you gotten anywhere?" said Legolas.  
  
"Well, yes. We can prevent all damage by the PD, but to actually get the PD and Mary-Sue to fix the damage, we have to get her IN here," said Willow, "You have to lure her here."  
  
"And this will help Aragorn?" said Legolas hopefully, adding quickly, "and all my other friends too?"  
  
Tara and Willow nodded.  
  
Legolas left the boarding house in search of Mary-Sue, after getting some tips on seducing women from Captain Jack Sparrow. He found Mary-Sue quickly, cringed, and went up to her. "Hello, sweety" said Legolas, "Would you like to go and get some coffee or rum? In my room?"  
  
Mary-Sue nodded her pretty head, and Legolas took her hand in his as they walked to the hotel. As they went up the steps, though, Mary-Sue paused. 'Why this sudden about-face?" she said, "You did call me a brat before".  
  
"Well, I was drunk on...rum." Mary-Sue didn't seem to buy it, so Legolas continued, "Magic rum. Made by Arwen who...secretly...loved...me...and...wanted... to...spite...you?"  
  
Mary-Sue smiled and they continued up to the suite. Tara, Willow and Aragorn were no-where to be seen; The Hobbit's were softly singing "I love her" in one of the bedrooms. Legolas served Mary-Sue some coffee and they chatted. Quite out of the blue, Mary-Sue said, "We're meant for each other" and kissed Legolas.  
  
As Legolas and Mary-Sue parted, Mary-Sue burped. "I feel...funny" she said, as her hair went frizzy and lost radiance  
  
Mary Sue placed her hand on her forehand, then her eyes widened in shock. "No!!" she gasped, "it's not possible!!!"   
"What's not possible?" Legolas asked tentatively.   
"I have a zit!!! I'm Mary Sue!!! Mary Sues don't get zits!!!!" She shrieked. Legolas wasn't sure whether to comfort or laugh at her.  
  
Suddenly, Aragorn barged into the room. "How do we cure the hobbits? They're driving me to madness with their off-key Beatles covers!!"  
  
Mary Sue looked at him meekly. "Are you sure you want to cure the hobbits, and not run through the town and warn everyone that the British are coming?"  
  
"The British are already here you foolish tart!!!"  
  
Mary Sue swallowed and Legolas beamed. Aragorn was back to normal, though he didn't seem to remember how he'd been acting lately, or that he was wearing a paper hat that had the words "boss man" scribbled on it. The cell phone rang. Aragorn went to get it, but not before shooting Mary Sue a disgusted look. Legolas laughed as Mary Sue squirmed uncomfortably.  
  
"That was Cathie," Aragorn said as he came back, looking a little less dangerous. "It seems the weddings off, and they've decided to live together first."  
  
"So I guess Cathie didn't really want a shotgun wedding," Tara said, coming out of the broom closet.  
  
"No, actually it was the only way to get Boromir to stop hyperventilating." Aragorn corrected. Willow, who was also coming out of the broom closet, laughed at this as she smoothed out her clothes.  
  
The hobbits also walked in the room. Sam was looking a bit mopey, "what happened to our fun pirate outfits Mr. Frodo?" he asked.  
  
Then, Glorarwen walked in, followed by Gimli who was mumbling something about being shot out of a cannon. "You have completed your assigned task," said Glorarwen happily. "Mary Sue is destroyed, now all you have to do is destroy all the other Mary Sues and fanfiction will be safe."  
  
Everyone groaned, "other Mary Sues?" Legolas squeaked.  
  
"Oh yeah, they're all over the place, but I only asked you to destroy her," Glorarwen pointed at the much less radiant Mary Sue, then shrugged. "Mostly I just wanted to see if you could do it."  
  
With that, Gimli grabbed Mary Sue by the wrist, "and now, we'll take you back to Middle Earth and teach you a few things about cannon. Book cannon."  
  
"Let's celebrate!!" said Jack, who had been watching, bemused, "I'll get the rum. Everyone's got their, well, no one got a girl. But, everyone got some, well, no, no one got to be commodore. Tara, how about I thank-you for getting that nasty Mary-Sue to leave everyone alone?" Jack put his arm around Tara.  
  
"Well, you could show Willow and I the Black Pearl" said Tara.  
  
Everyone was rather interested in seeing the Black Pearl, except Legolas, who still remembered it, and Aragorn, who wanted to thank Legolas.  
  
Aragorn had told Legolas to stay in the bedroom while Aragorn prepared the gift. When Aragorn was finally ready, he let Legolas into the main room. "I am going to give you this fine, crafted sword. Will Greenleaf crafted it with his own hands during those hours you two where intertwined. Its symbols are Elfish; yet its steel shaft, human. And yet only one fine Elf may wield it. And that elf is you, dear Legolas."  
  
Legolas was elated. "Aragorn! You are truly the most blessed friend I could have! But," Legolas paused, slightly embarrassed, "could we practice with it a little?"  
  
Aragorn smiled, and the two practiced their fine craft.  
  
Everyone was rather happy to be able to get out of the POTC verse. Mary-Sue's were beginning to notice them, as the PD shield no longer worked. And finally, after three days and several incidents, everyone was back in McBride. Cathie and Boromir were disappointed with not being able to return to POTC verse; but Boromir was relieved with the fact that he could spend another few weeks not committing to marriage. Sam and Frodo loved being back in the library, and with must gusto set about reading every book and becoming the best cute, male tweenager librarians they could be.  
  
Merry and Pippin set about finding some work, but then Merry found out about the hot girls at Northern University of BC in Prince George. So, he and Pippin registered for the fall semester; Tara and Willow made sure they had the right credentials.  
  
In fact, most of what Tara and Willow did was creating various documents for the Middle Earth folks to use in currentverse. Aragorn decided to be become an RCMP officer, because Legolas said he would look good in the red suit; and Legolas became a psychiatrist. Gimli was getting sick of the light and decided to move to the darkest place around- Ottawa. He soon became an advocate of easy-access buildings.  
  
Faramir and Eowyn moved out of the library and bought their own house. Eowyn become a pre-school teacher, being a fan of little immature creatures. Faramir became a professor.  
  
Everyone was very happy living their lives in McBride. However, one day, looking out the library window, Frodo and Sam noticed a strange amount of young male and female tourists. None of these people went in to the library, of course; but nevertheless, it was worrisome. Very, very worrisome. 


End file.
